dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
