is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
