Walk of Shame. In a state park.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
