You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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