You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
