the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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