Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
