Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
