You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
