I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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