Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
