Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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