if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Randomize
