Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
