My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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