During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize