I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
