she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
