Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
