im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
