Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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