my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize