i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Randomize
