He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
