so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
don't judge my taste in strippers
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
There's even glitter on my cock...
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