Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
My brain says no but my pants say off.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Randomize
