I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
