I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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