Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
