i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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