I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
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