I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize