The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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