After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
don't judge my taste in strippers
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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