Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
