shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Well I just put wine in my tea
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Randomize
