My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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