I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
