my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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