i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
