Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
