if only i could text you this smell
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
