I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Randomize