At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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