I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
