I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
