he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Randomize
