I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
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