That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
