Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
