i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
