I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
