remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
