im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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