I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
