I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Your mouth is God's brothel.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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