Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
