I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
