the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Randomize
